Talkin' 'Bout Revolutions
Steffan Chirazi
Record collections - we've all got one, and be it big or small, cool or embarrassing, the damn thing can tell you a whole lot about its owner. TALKIN' 'BOUT REVOLUTIONS features 15 questions that fearlessly probe Metal stars on the records that run their lives! To lead us into the unknown, FAITH NO MORE's very big, very sick and very ugly JIM MARTIN reveals his... inner psyche to STEFFAN CHIRAZI!
Which record sleeve in your collection would you be ashamed of showing your mum?
"I'm not ashamed of showing my Mum any of my record sleeves. As a matter of fact, she goes and looks at them on her own, anyway!
"There's not a thing I can do about it; I'm far beyond the point of embarrassment. She's seen it all a long time ago: she leaves my porno mags pretty much where they are and just looks around."
You wake up stinking hangover. What record do you put on to revive yourself?
"I put on the sound-effects record of the coffee machine and the flushing toilet. That way, it makes me think, as I'm lying in bed, that I'm up and about already and have had my morning Juice.
"I'm still waiting for the people who make these records to send along cans of smells to go with 'em, so as I can spray the coffee and toilet smells around my room and really think I'm doin' it for REAL!"
Have you ever shoplifted a record? If so, which one?
"I've never shop-lifted a record. However, I've stolen records from my friends under the pretense of borrowing them, and just never returned them.
"One of the many was Lou Reed's 'Rock'N'Roll Animal' from my friend Lance, and his name was written on it in thick black pen, so I had to keep it hidden so as he'd never find it. I've had his record for 15 years."
What record would you like played at your funeral?
"I'd like a recording of the sounds of nature played at my funeral, so as even if it's not such nice weather outside, everybody can figure that they're outside having a good time, which is better than a dreary funeral parlour."
What record is the most embarrassing in your collection?
"I can't say I'm embarrassed by any of my records. However, the one that's played the least not for fear of shame, but for fear of violent consequences - is Lou Reed's 'Metal Machine Music'. There's no music on it and it's pretty much just a double-album of static. You can start it anywhere and it sounds the same.
"A few times, at gatherings in my home, I've put it on in the background as an experiment, and things got ugly and went horribly wrong. Arguments, bickering..."
Which record from your childhood always seemed to be on the radio - a record you couldn't stand?
"I have to say it was The Beatles' 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand'. Those weirdo long-haired guys! Ugh! I couldn't stand it and it was always on the radio. They're partially responsible for me hating the radio."
What record would you out on the seduce someone to?
"There's two. One would be (US comedian) Andrew Dice Clay. The other would be 'Bedtime Stories Volume Three', which consists of women talking about having sex. Supposedly, they're talking about it while they're having it. I know it's a lie, though. I know it's a lie because nobody actually says these things whole when they're doing it - 'Oh yeah, man, let me put my fattie in my... tickle my tonsils with your lovelog.."
Which lyric do you wish you'd written?
"Is there a lyric 'I Hate You'?"
Which record's thanks list would be most honoured to appear on?
"I'd like to be on the nature sounds compilation, or the coffee and toilet sounds record!"
What are the first and last records you bought?
"The first was Black Sabbath's 'Paranoid', and the last, Robin Trower's 'Bridge Of Sighs'."
What the first record you played air guitar to?
"F**k you! A great band who don't even need any songs, yet everybody's talking about 'em!..."
What's the most heavy metal album you've ever heard?
"Yippee! Heavy Meddle! Well, it has to be 'Iron Man' for real, but these days there's so many 'Heavy Meddle' albums, it f**kin hurts!
"Of course, if one can count Lou Reed's 'Metal Machine Music' as 'a song', which I believe you can as it never officially starts or ends, as I earlier pointed out, then that is true Heavy Metal indeed!"
Which song would mend your broken heart?
"I guess it would have to be a Hank Williams song, 'Your Cold Cold Heart'."
Which person would you lost like to possess an albums of yours?
"I'd like the next door neighbour's wife to have my record in her collection, as then I would stand a much better chance of getting into her knickers."
It's late at night, rain is pouring down and your roof has a leak. Which of these album sleeves would you use to plug the hole till morning.
i) 'Physical Graffiti'
ii) 'Paranoid'
iii) 'Appetite For Destruction'
iv) 'Number Of The Beast'
"Well, I couldn't stuff the hole with numbers three or four, because I don't have 'em, so I suppose I'd have no choice but to stuff it with the 'Physical Graffiti' album sleeve. "However, if there was a pan available in the pantry, I would get it and put it under the leak instead of destroying a record that I have a lot of respect for... not that I really give a f**k about the album sleeve, though!"
