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  • Writer's pictureFaith No More Followers

Kerrang! | February 23rd 1991 | Issue 329


The original sin


Berkeley Square, Berkeley, California


11.02 PM. RENKO and I leave headquarters and head east on University towards Berkeley

Square where we expect to apprehend Jennifer Warts, a schizophrenic serial killer posing as a rock musician. Warts has undergone extensive cosmetic surgery and currently uses the alias Michael Patton.

11.22 pm. Although we come disguised as major label maggots, the pencilneck at the ticket counter resolutely insists that 'Shuzamuzamanski' is not on the guest list. Renko blasts him with a poison dart, and we enter the establishment undetected.

11.36 pm. We review the case over diet Cokes. According to headquarters, Patton's widely-publicized involvement with Faith No More was merely a ploy for instant fame and fortune. Now that his captive audience is virtually guaranteed, Patton has returned to Mr Bungle, the band with whom he will enact his most wicked deeds.

11.58 pm. Mad Patton takes the stage in a clown mask, shoulder pads and black leather gloves. The remainder of Bungle - an unlikely assortment of thieves and child molesters - hide behind similarly hideous disguises.

Like exploding jesters, they pound the stage with a twisted, funk-Thrashing polka lounge rap. Cheesy keyboards and a horn section give this perversity a carnivalesque tone.

Screaming and bleeding, the drug-crazed audience communicate their approval by chanting, "Satan!"

12.14 am. To remain inconspicuous, Renko and I partake in the ritualistic slam dancing down front. Above us, tumbling disco lights create a hypnotic kaleidoscope of colour; down below, flashing strobes unity the mass of Thrashers into a single, sweating octopus on fire.

12.32 am. As Patton leads the Glam-loathing Bay Area crowd in a verse from Mötley Crüe's 'Home Sweet Home', it becomes clear to me that the audience has been brainwashed. Killing time surely approaches.

12.46 am. Dressed now as the Masked Avenger, Patton dominates and sodomizes the bass player, while screaming, "It only hurts the first time!" Unspeakable depravity abounds.

12.51 am. At last, Patton shows his true colours. Dressed in full vampire regalia, he dives into the audience and begins feasting. Renko and I move in.

12.52 am. From out of nowhere, a giant chipmunk leaps onto Renko and swipes off his wig: "Nice try, copper!" As I rush to my partner's aid, I too am attacked. Beaten relentlessly by giant chipmunks, we can only watch as the blood-gurgling Patton slips away...

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